I am a devout Catholic, a newlywed, and in a place of transition and unrest. We moved to Wisconsin, I am starting a new job (not remotely the job I intended) and my husband still needs a job. We are currently living with my in-laws, because they are moving [possibly], and they were going to have us live in this house and pay rent, as they live in their new location. But, we don't even know if that will work out either.
And yet, despite the day-in-day-out stress and everything being up in the air, all I can think about is how badly I want to be a mom. Crazy, right? I am ridiculous.
God, grant me patience and trust. Because, certainly this is the worst timing.
All I can think about is how I want a child in my arms. I want to rock them asleep and teach them beautiful things about the world. I want to teach them about God and how beautiful life can be. I want to read them fairy tales and teach them that with God they could battle dragons.
The words I have heard repeatedly throughout my life keep swimming through my head, "God has a plan for you," "God's timing is perfect," "Good things come to those who wait," "God knows the desires of your heart, trust in Him."
And these are good and beautiful and true. So true. And at times very helpful.
But, one thing that these phrases (or any others that you can think up) fail to appreciate is that it's hard. It's hard to wait. It's hard to trust. It isn't fun. It's frustrating. And that it's "ok" to feel that.
One lie that I have bought in the past is that if my heart hurt because I didn't want to wait or because I didn't get my way, that meant that I wasn't trusting. But, that's not true. Trusting doesn't require emotional backup. I can feel frustrated, sad, hurt, exhausted...etc and still be trusting God with everything I have.
So yes. Here I am. Sitting here quietly. Enjoying me tea. Emotionally throwing a temper tantrum because the road is long and I have to wait and I just want to be a mom and I can't right now. And yet, knowing that God's timing is indeed perfect.
